Sam is off to school

The empty nest is a reality. Dropped him at school today @ 8:00 and were done by 9:30. The proverbial trip to Target, unload and unpack, and then on the road again. Time flies...what would we do without cliches.

Progress

Well - down 14 lbs and counting. Ironically, it has not been hard and I've not stressed too much. The best part is that I'm eating better. Last night I went to Friendly's and had fried food - big mistake and my system let me know it.

WW

Well the great task is taken up once again. I have again joined the ranks of weight watchers. Tonight was my first weigh in and it went reasonable well; I lost 2.6 pounds. What was positive was that there was no great strain to the process. The slightly altered system, coupled with a new vigor to achieve my goals, seems to be made for me. The points are greater each day, there are extra points available to fall upon if you have a bad day and all this leads to a less hungry, slower weight loss program. Most important is that I am eating much better and am willing to explore culinary options once eschewed. Ironically, I've been so careful the past few days I have to eat a lot at dinner to fulfill the point total.

So, the goals are to

• lose at least 35, better yet 45 pounds in the 6 - 9 months
• lower cholesterol
• get off pressure med
• run a 1/2 marathon sometime in the next year

Unhappy

Interesting homily at the Vincentians this morning. The reading was the one about Judas and the 30 pieces of silver. The story is so familiar and the image so over used they've become cliche. Yet, it still works and it's still rings true. How often do we see people, colleagues, friends, ourselves for all love, selling bits and pieces of ourselves? I guess the sale of self is not simply the issue, perhaps it is inevitable, but the real issue is can we see what we are doing and continue the lifelong process of seeking change and grace.

What is the difference between the betrayal of Judas and the betrayal of Peter? Judas saw that what he did was wrong, but why, after walking all those years with Jesus could he not ask for forgiveness. Judas bothers me and Peter inspires me.

I see Peter in my Vincentian friends, most older priests who are more forgiving than chastising. They recognize their own weakness and in mass speak of the need to be forgiven. They too inspire and give comfort and the wisdom of long lives.

Talmon

He sweated. Silent and still in the crowd, Talmon kept his distance from the rest. Not touching, he strained to keep others from touching him. He strained to keep the loose, light robe from swaying and touching his skin so that the sweat would glide in cascades undisturbed. He hated being touched. The crowd‘s noise rose in a crescent with the dust kick by their many feet. They stood in a semi-circle as if in an amphitheater to watch the grand spectacle. And it would be a spectacle of noise, blood and the strange release of hatred thrown at another who you fear. But the woman was a not the one feared, it was the teacher. Talmon did not understand why it was made known to him that he should be at the foot of the olive grove and to be prepared. It might be fun – a stoning and then maybe another if the crowd could be worked carefully enough. So he stood the morning sun, hot, and waited.
The teacher came first with the usual crowd of indigent, intelligent and curious onlookers. Some were there to listen and learn while others were mere spectators waiting for an event so they could rush off and tell other and reflect the glory of the event with its retelling. Talmon had seen the man often enough in the temple and streets. He was never alone, always trailing humanity buzzing like flies with incessant talk and laughter. Even Talmon had followed and waited for something to happen, hoping to hear something that would explain the crowds. There was a wonderful quietness and lack of striving in this man. Many of the other teachers or masters had an edge and attitude, but not this one. As the teacher sat, there was an odd heaviness as if he carried a burden. But maybe, like Talmon, it was the sweat and he moved slowly so as to avoid the cloth touching skin. He was very still and Talmon appreciated this stillness. And in this stillness, the people came and sat near him to wait, and watch, and listen. His message as always was simple and straightforward. In some ways too simple for the scholar Talmon, who, when struck with a moment of humility, liked the idea that he could as easily confound his students and friends as enlighten them, and there was power in this shading.

Alice Cary

I'm at the tail end of my sixth class, which has been a struggle. Even Mo tells me that I never seemed to connect to the course. I wish I could figure out why since I like the professor and enjoyed many of the works. The only thing I can think of is that I'm the type of student who likes to hear what the teacher has to say, what other scholars have said, and then react. I don't like sitting around and simply talking about the text for three hours, especially in a small group.

One fun thing is that I've begun to read Alice Cary's work and I like it - especially after Hawthorne. I find this entire 19th century group of transcendental writers tiring. They are too self absorbed and this hurts their work. I still love Melville, Twain, and now Alice Cary. Her work is lyrical and there is an oddity in the tales, a depth of human understanding that I have loved so far.

Reading her makes me wonder why women authors seem to fall off the end of the earth. To what extent is the male scholarly world too self-important to take the straight forward writing of women seriously.

Salmon River

Mo and I hikes the loop around Day Pond - what a day. It was as nice a day for a hike as I can remember. The hike was pleasant enough, slight narrow trails with many rocks. There were a number of rock walls and maybe a foundation or two - it felt good to be out in the woods. There was one bad thing and that was three motocross bikers tearing up the trail. Mo got mad because I told them it was a hiking trail, but it really was dumb to be where they were. It has been nice to be out on a weekend without worrying about correcting papers and re-working lesson plans. I was at school the other day working with seniors who are working on a website for me. It is always great to go back as a visitor, and there are days when I realize that despite the decreased tension, I will miss the kids.

A long time...

Hard to believe how long it's been since I've blogged, a function of being too busy and too lazy. We just got back from Topsail and returned via Gettysburg. Sadly, G-burg will never be the same since Ajou died. We visited her and Larry's graves. There is now this quiet void and my sense of the battlefield is more connected to the sad aspects of the battle. I feel more of the loss than ever before. I'm still fascinated by the place and its distinct aura, but it will never quite be the same - no welcoming home to return to after roaming the field. Now we return to a hotel. The kids also feel the loss and, ironically, their feeling of loss reaches me and spirals me in that direction.

A long time

Graduation

We're back from a wonderful graduation at CUA. What a weekend!

Antonio

How can I explain Antonio? He's not my student. I really don't know him, but he has, will always have the most profound impact on me. He is as close to a saint as I will come. A middle school student with MS, so severe it has quickly eaten his ability to move and will eventually eat his ability to live. Yet, he comes to school every day he can. In a wheelchair, shaking and mute, a living sponge who does not simple soak in live around him, but exudes an energy and will that is hard to describe. His mute will is a model for me and should be for all in school. But life goes on around him and those with all their life ahead of them willing chose to destroy it piece by piece. I do believe God has some rationale for Antonio, but I do wish for a miracle, for a quiet man to walk into our school someday and simple say, "get up and walk." Oh, how nice that would be. Instead, I think that quiet man will come in the cool of the morning and say "get up and walk with me" and Antonio will follow to somewhere without the labors of this world.

My feelings remind me of a poem by Theodore Rotheke I'd read long ago but never quite understood until now. I am neither father or teacher, but will always treasure his presence.

Elegy for Jane
(My student, thrown by a horse)

I remember the neckcurls, limp and damp as tendrils;
And her quick look, a sidelong pickerel smile;
And how, once startled into talk, the light syllables leaped for her,
And she balanced in the delight of her thought,

A wren, happy, tail into the wind,
Her song trembling the twigs and small branches.
The shade sang with her;
The leaves, their whispers turned to kissing,
And the mould sang in the bleached valleys under the rose.

Oh, when she was sad, she cast herself down into such a pure depth,
Even a father could not find her:
Scraping her cheek against straw,
Stirring the clearest water.

My sparrow, you are not here,
Waiting like a fern, making a spiney shadow.
The sides of wet stones cannot console me,
Nor the moss, wound with the last light.

If only I could nudge you from this sleep,
My maimed darling, my skittery pigeon
.Over this damp grave I speak the words of my love:
I, with no rights in this matter,
Neither father nor lover.

No blockage

Well the call said there was no blockage; however, I still don't know why there are symptoms. What struck me was that once the specific crisis was over, i.e. no specific, treatable issue, communication fell off. It seems that one issue in our medical system that fails in the communication piece. I called and got an appointment to discuss the test, but i really think that should be an automatic appointment. Treat the issue with preventive strategies before it becomes a problem, not what we now do which is wait for a crisis and then act.

Stress

Well, vacation week is almost over. What a weird week. First, it rained most of the week, only at the very end did it evolve into sunshine and warmth. It was a busy week and stressful. I spent most of the week working on my research paper on the Cathedral of t. Joseph for my architecture class at Trinity. I really enjoy the research part of the process - I realize I simply love to learn. However, I also enjoy the telling everyone what I know part of the process as well. I find I'm more competitive than I've ever been about grades and as a result create stress in the process. I want the highest grade!

The week had more stress as I went for a nuclear stress test on Thursday. They shoot nuclear isotopes into you and watch them course through your heart to see if there are any blockages. I won't know about the results until tomorrow. I suspect the doctor isn't concerned or else he wouldn't have waited til Monday. It takes two hours and is a slow process. While on the treadmill, my blood pressure shot up higher than they wanted, so he put me on beta blockers. I really hate taking medicine - I can't stand the blood pressure pills I'm on. When I think about it, I realize the pills represent aging and they force me to acknowledge my age, the act of turning 50 this year, and I resent it. On the other hand, I try to acknowledge the fact that they might help me reach age 80 - come back in 30 years and read my response at that time - it might be more grateful. I laugh because I don't feel 49 going on 50. In many ways, I feel younger than at other parts of my life, but the pills are the bell that tolls the years. I need to figure out if I can change my lifestyle in some way to get off the pills. The start, I hate to say it, is losing 35 -40 pounds - no wonder I'm on pills.

We also finished most of the Annie set this week. Ryan, Andriana and Sam all did great work. We could not have done it without Andriana's artistic skills. Ryan is a very fortunate husband.

Sam was with me since he got a 'D' in math, simply because he did not do his work. Every other grade was in the 80's. His consequences are: not driving permit, no TV (except the Red Sox), computer games, video games, and we took his cell phone away (except when at school so he can call to be picked up). At this stage, he'll be living the life of his brother in a Dominican priory.

Easter

A new dawn opens and new hope arises. Hope is what Easter is all about. Of course, since the first Easter, every day brings hope. Everyday also brings the unimaginable love of God and his unrelenting well of forgiveness, and Lord knows we all need it. There is a great relief in understanding this forgiveness. There is no way we can be eternally strong, but we don't have to grieve, simply live, listen, strive to do our best, and have hope.

Peter

How grateful I am for Peter. I see him as a true gift to all of us, so passionate, and weak, and sinful, and, finally, triumphed in his commitment at the end. I find him a great comfort since he walked with Christ, heard His words, saw His work, experienced His miracles, and yet still denied Christ three times. It seems he is not better than Judas as that point. The huge difference is that Peter believed in God's message of forgiveness and wept bitter tears of regret, while Judas chose death. I truly hope that somehow Judas recognizes his mistake and accepts God's grace. It seems that His love and forgiveness is so vast we can never imagine it, so vast even His betrayer is welcome to it. The gift of Peter is that he is so much like all of us and yet overcame his obstacles in the end. Caravaggio's image is him is so wonderful. You can he is strength and that wonderful attitude where he asked to be crucified upside down because he is not worthy to die like Christ. I hope I some day can have his faith and strength and also hope I am never tested as he was..

Stones

I have been thinking about a recent reading from church this Sunday, one of my favorites. It's about the elders who bring the adulteress to Christ and ask what they should do. He is so calm. He does not respond immediately, but writes in the dust. Finally, He suggests that the one among them without sin, throw the first stone. The crowd fades away leaving Christ with the woman. "Where are they: he asks and then He says he will not condemn her.

I begin to realize that this resonates with me because it is not about the adulteress but me. Christ does this for me, for us, everyday. We are with Him in His silence, a palpable presence, who looks at us and says that He will not condemn us and the we should go and sin no more. Of course, we do, and, again, He is with us and repeats His forgiveness. He will not condemn us - we are the ones who condemn.

Saint Joseph Cathedral

I'm in the beginning stages of writing a paper on the cathedral. I have always been intrigued by the building. At first, I thought it was out of place, even ugly. But then I walked inside and was enthralled - it really is a building of contradictions. I found a quote by Wilson Faude to the effect that the architects spent more time on the interior than on the exterior - ouch! My comment in the paper is that this is reflective of the Churches teaching - what is inside matters more than what is outside.

I have been to the Archdiocese's archives several times and I've come to realize I could easily become a recluse, hanging in archives, libraries and living in the past. I also realize I love being a student more than a teacher. If I win the lottery or when I retire, I'd like to be a student, researching, learning and writing.

Guys and Dolls

Sam was Skye Masterson for the last 48 hours. He did a wonderful job, as did the entire cast at Stage East. He said to me afterward that when he came out and everyone was slapping him on his back and saying what a great job he did, he almost cried. That's one of the many things I love about Sam - he is so not full of himself, but surprised by his own success. I pray he stays that way. He is so unassuming that you can't help but love him.

REI

Went to the REI Cranston store opening - what a great store and great people. It made me realize I would enjoy that aspect of development work. I like meeting new people and learning new things. I also enjoy the hunt aspect of selling and developing. REI was impressive, not just the store, but the corporate culture. The CFPA Board meeting the evening before was also interesting. I think the Pinchot/Muir play is a real opportunity to promote out mission of saving open space and trails.

After REI, I went to Gallery Night at Cathy's. It was fun. I forget how impressive she is and how wonderful her gallery has become. Why do we take our siblings for granted? Auntie Ev and Baka were there and it was so pleasant sitting and visiting. It is so wonderful to have people like Auntie Ev in my life. I see her once or twice a year but it's as if we had just visited the day before. The sense of belonging is great - I realize I'll never stop being a Rhode Islander. Baka and Pop looked great - I'm blessed to have them.

Henriette DeLille

When I read about people like Henriette DeLille, I realize how selfish I am. I also think that her type of generosity and love must be inspired by God. He does reach and touch a special few. I am more inspired by this type of love than I am the pomp of the Church. She is what Catholicism is all about.

I think it is also interesting that controversy and racism are still a part of her life as there are differences of opinions as to how she should be classified. Is the Church painting her darker than she was to speed the canonization process? It is ironic but looking at her portrait I would not know she was black. How strong she must have been to embrace that part of her bloodline rather than hiding from it.